Blood Speaks!

Why I have watched thousands of times The Man Without A Face.

Why I like watching My Secret Identity after finishing my homework throughout my middle school years.

The frequently asked questions about the tone of my skin, my height and about my straight hair.

Even the date I decided to tell the world about who I am.

All those innate feelings were wrapped into two powerful words exclaimed by my best friend 17 years ago as “Blood Speaks!”

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I didn’t know why I watched The Man Without A Face for so many times, from the time it was first released in Laser Disc, to the time I had it in Video Compact Disc, and later on during my university years I rented over and again the VHS tape from Video Ezy in my neighborhood store, until one day one of my friends gave me my own copy of the movie. I don’t know what, but for me, there was just something about that title.

I didn’t know prior to the publication of this site, that November 9 is celebrated as World Adoption Day.

I didn’t know why I chose to keep my decency and didn’t need any religion nor social norm to tell me so. I just knew I had to, like there’s something inexplicable and so innate.

And now that the Pandora Box is opened, what it is that I am trying to seek?

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Of all the things I want to change for myself in particular, I want to feel freedom when saying the word “adoption” or “adopted”. I want to feel innocent and I want to talk about it like it was not a taboo. I want to feel saying “I’m adopted” just like when I said, “Just married!” Because in fact … it is similar in a way that when adoption happens, both are tied together for the rest of the time.

And lastly, I want to say to myself that it is okay to be human, especially a vulnerable one. Before I even knew that I was adopted, I remember that I used to be emotionally tight. To me, everything must go a certain way until one day a dear friend of mine gave me an advice that crying is okay, and that I need to let it out from my system. About a year later, another friend gave me “Don’t Sweat Small Stuff” book for my birthday. Now as I reflected back to those years, I am thinking that perhaps it had something to do with my upbringing where everybody were (seemed to be) in control to keep it as a secret. Children see, children do, and what I observed throughout my childhood was applied in my adulthood. I had to have the control. It was shown and it was eating me away.

Now, as I relearn to swim the human emotions, I am teaching myself to listen to myself without denials and to feel pure emotions. Everyday, I am teaching myself that I am allowed to shout when I am angry, I am allowed to laugh when I am happy, and I am allowed to cry when I am sad. Everyday, I am telling myself that imperfections are normal. Simple things, but I have to relearn about them.

Above all, I want to remember to never lose faith in myself. Now to me, Blood Speaks has a new meaning that somehow throughout my emotional process, there’s always a restart button hidden in my heart. It feels like the blood will always tell me how to navigate life. No matter how hard life hits me, in the end I will be okay. In a way, it’s like what Hank Fortener said, although adoption almost always starts from a tragedy, at the end, we should always celebrate it.

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This piece is dedicated to that best friend who uttered “Blood Speaks”, when my world was crumbling down. Thank you for being there and listen to my sea of emotions. Yes, you know who you are.